Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
