He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
