you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
