I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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