She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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