youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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