College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
