I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
