SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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