Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
