Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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