i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
