I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
