Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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