She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
