he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
