I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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