it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
