im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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