Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
