I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
