it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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