I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
