you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
