the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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