If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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