happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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