I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
