my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
