Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
