M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
