Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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