Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
