In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
