She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.