I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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