please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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