My cat gives me a boner
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
