I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
