My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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