you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
