I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
