i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
