I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
