my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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