I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
