His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i love accidental penises.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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