My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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