You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
