We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
