dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
