I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize