I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
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