i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
