My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
