I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
