never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
