No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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