ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
